bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
