i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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