So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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