My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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