Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
