This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
