Do you still have your period?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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