If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
