I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
