Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize