My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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