My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
