my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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