just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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