Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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