Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
