So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
