your parents love me but you hate me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
