It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
