I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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