Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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