can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
