Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
