In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
