oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
