you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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