remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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