Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
