THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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