my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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