Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
