he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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