I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
