Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
