I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
