then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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