So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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