You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
