you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
