I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
