Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
