Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just gargled with NyQuil
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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