no, he came in my armpit
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
