my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
