You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
