It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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