I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
