theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
