When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
