that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize