hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
