My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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