the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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