Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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