You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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