she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
