For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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