did you get engaged???
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
