this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
