Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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