This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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