life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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