Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
