I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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