sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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