Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
