Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
