the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is Oprah even human
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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